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My Dog is not My Kid

March 24, 2011

Heterosexual people (and my gay friends) call my dog my ‘baby’ and call me and my partner his ‘parents’. I can only look at them quizzically. I don’t have red fur and needle-sharp fangs. No, but seriously, my dog is not my kid. I didn’t get a dog to be a surrogate for a baby. He isn’t the ‘well since we’re lesbians, we decided to get a dog instead of have a kid’. No. My dog is a dog. A garbage-eating, fartsy and bone-gnawing dog who sleeps in a metal crate and howls at every imaginable sound, especially snores.

I love my dog to death. I have gone to random stranger’s house barefoot for my dog (I thought he was choking….he just had hiccups…). I would beat a guy down to a pulp if he ever touched my dog without my permission. I have a bond with my dog but he is NOT my baby. I got him to be my companion. To jog with me, hike with me, swim with me, explore the world with me. My dog doesn’t have much cute factor. At the dog park, people usually clamour to the golden retriever. My dog isn’t the retriever. He’s the snarly one pulling on the leash and running towards the rotten banana peel and pile of cigarette butts.
Listen people, if you see a lesbian couple with a dog…even if it’s the itsiest, bitsiest CUTEST wittle puppy in the world–DON’T call it their baby, their kid, or say the owners are ‘parents’. If I wanted a freakin’ child, I would hop on over to Dr. Chung, stick a needle up my va-jay-jay and get preggers. However, I don’t. My dog, Benji, a wonderful and amazing and very challenging dog–is a dog in all his canine glamour. I don’t put clothes on my dog. I give it orders, and expect a response. I feed it, and expect it to poo. That’s about it.
Kids and dogs are very different. For one thing, if your kid bites a guy—the guy won’t make a big deal and sue. If a rottweiler bit the dude….ohhhh man, I’d hate to be the Rottie’s owner. We purchase our dogs…like, with money (or credit card..) and we don’t pay for your kids…… least not to own them. You pay for them later…..and about a billion times more. I own my dog. You may THINK you own your kid, but when he turns 15 he’ll let you know differently! 😉

My dog Benji, an Australian Cattle dog.

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