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You Should Think Twice about having a Kid if…

April 1, 2011

You Should Think Twice about having a kid if…

1.      You don’t have a car. Strollers crowding up the public buses and screeching babies that are pissed off after waiting in the freezing cold (or sweltering heat…depending where you live) should deter you from getting preggers if you don’t have a car. No kid likes to be stuck on public transit in rush hour wedged between a suitcase and a stinky homeless man that smells of aged cheese with worms in it and body odours suited for Neanderthals.

2.      You didn’t finish high school. Unless you have an IQ and some seriously remarkable entrepreneurial skills a la Mark Zuckerberg, this is a safe bet. Look around you: it is a competitive world and the basic requirements for many entry-level jobs is a diploma or degree. Unless you plan on fading into obscurity and living an insignificant existence pockmarked with stints at greasy spoon joints and long line-ups at the Welfare office, finish up your schooling!

3.      (Speaking of welfare…) If you are on it…do not have kids. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can live on welfare. It is designed for you to survive…but barely. I mean, if you are spending that bit of cash on lottery tickets for a decade—it may be a smart strategy but get used to bread and butter and apartments the size of postage stamps inside crack-house buildings that are prone to frequent stops by fire trucks, ambulances and police cars. Those banging sounds you heard weren’t welcoming firecrackers…those were gunshots.

4.      You know nothing about parenting. You’d think this would be an easy one but sadly there are too many cases of parents leaving their babies to die of dehydration in cars while they shop, child abuse, obesity…you name it. And these are the BIG things. If you put lipstick on your two year old, don’t be surprised when she grows up, becomes a hooker and changes her name to Sparkles. Good parenting has nothing to do with Toddlers and Tiara, My Sweet 16 (where we rented the mall and the Backstreet Boys, omg) or picking your kids up from school—WHEN IT IS ON THE SAME STREET. I don’t know or care what parenting is about….but seeing a 5 year old Dolly Parton surely spells: a-b-u-s-e.

5.      You enjoy partying—every day weekend. If you thought quitting cigarettes for a week was a long term commitment, oh MAN, you’re going to be hit like a bomb in Baghdad when you realize how much of a commitment being a mommy (or daddy) is. Your favourite spot might be that snazzy lounge with your girlfriends drinking Long Island Iced Tea at the expense of some hunk you’ll never see again; but once darling baby comes along…you’ll be at sing-along baby classes and your Long Island is now a Double Long espresso (your third for the day).

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4 Comments
  1. realanonymousgirl2011 permalink

    I have a child of my own and yet still agree with a lot of your points.

  2. 20something permalink

    Good points, all. Just more vindication that I should never breed:D

  3. I don’t have a driver’s license and my own car.
    Parents should drive cars, shouldn’t they?
    I agree with you.

  4. HighGoon permalink

    God, I wish I would have showed this to my friends stupid sisters (and her). All of them have babies they’re not prepared for.

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