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Dating/Marrying a Non-CF Person

May 22, 2011

We fall in love and we wear rose coloured glasses. Everything is cheery and chipper, breakfast in bed and strolls in the neighbourhood with flowers and freshly baked baguette in hand. Sure, the early years going to Cuba and the Dominican and caring for your adopted mutt Roxy and the angelic cat Button seems idyllic. So what happens when you stoutly state your womb is not going to expand with some slimy fetus, and the boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband goes into cardiac arrest? They expect children and wish to be parents.

Well, I am in that position. I am quite fiercely against being a mediocre mother and my partner cannot imagine not being a parent. I believe it is because she has no idea what she’d be getting into and it is my duty to show her that being a mother and dealing with a child(ren) is Hell on earth. Her spontaneous, happy-go-lucky life would come to an end and she would be robbed of her liberty and sanity. But of course, I really need amazing reasons and I was thinking of doing some kind of Power Point presentation.

Dating/marrying someone who wishes to have kids while you don’t is a difficult situation. Obviously, some kind of compromise has to happen. And who  gives in? I also suggest the person in the relationship who is wishing to be a parent spend time with a friend or co-worker’s children to get a scope of parenthood from the crumbs in the car (my own fiancee is particular about her leather seats) to screaming tyrants who refuse to fall asleep at 8:00pm….10:00pm….midnight while you need to leave for work at 7:30am. If after your presentations, their uncovering of the ugly reality of parenthood and your ultimatums (it’s me, the dog and cat OR the baby…in a sort of joking way) don’t work………..perhaps you can deter your significant other with life-changing trips to Mauritius and the Himalayas until you’re both about 60!

  1. I was in a similar position a year ago. I did not want kids, and my wife did, for the most part. It takes a lot of difficult communication skills to have any reasonable discussion about it. (We were both seriously lacking those skills back then but have improved immensely since then.) The best place to start is with “I” statements about your perspective on kids, and then she talks about her perspective, and then you try to put yourself in her position and her in yours and see where there is any common ground. Trying to sway her to your point of view by proving how awful kids can be is probably a recipe for disaster. (Being absolutely right is often quite useless in intimare relationships!) Thinking of it as “one of us has to cave in to the other” is also a non-starter.

    (We have more or less decided together not to have children, but the issue is not entirely closed yet, either.)

    Whatever you do, you still have the right to decide for yourself about your reproductive/parenting choices. You should never compromise your rights for someone else about such a huge decision.

  2. I’m very sorry for your situation! How frustrating that must be for you. I am fortunate that my husband feels just like I do about it. Especially after we babysit for someone else. Babies aren’t that bad, and maybe if they stayed small and didn’t talk, I’d consider getting one. But they grow up into little hurricanes in your life. I definitely recommend a long weekend with two neices or nephews. Best birth control ever. 🙂 Plus, for me personally, my husband and I are really beginning to see how different our lives are since we don’t have children. We are exploiting it shamelessly with travel, a fun sex life, nice gifts, luxurious dinners…the closer we grow, the more i realize how close we wouldn’t be if we’d raised a baby together. It’s almost as if my friends who are mothers can’t even relate to me for how much joy I get out of my husband.

  3. bootsyboots permalink

    this seems like the kind of discussion to have on the first or second date. i’ve always brought it up early in relationships so that it doesn’t come down to arm wrestling or eenie meenie meinie mo down the road. it’s a tough compromise for one of the parties involved. however, if you’re not all in and prepared 100% then you’re heading for trouble. all the best to you both for a satisfactory resolution.

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