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The Mombies We Used To Know

July 22, 2011

*Definition of a MOMBIE from Urban Dictionary:

a woman who has a child and becomes a different person than she was before (often a former feminist); her conversations all revolve around toilet training, feeding schedules, and the occasional housework; so-called because there’s a certain glazed look in the eyes and she appears to have been brainwashed
Dana used to be pretty cool and loved talking about politics. Since she had her baby, though, she’s a total Mombie–I asked what she thought of Obama and she looked at me blankly and asked if that was a type of stroller.
It is like the virtual death of a good friend (or two). The moment when your close friends who you used to have sleepovers with, do fun and crazy things together and who was just someone you always admired and looked up dies. The best part of her dies and she becomes a mombie. This happens when her kid is born and her entire life revolves around the tiny one. Forget about your birthday party–you’d be lucky if she even writes you on Facebook! If you do contact her, you know you are obligated to talk about or comment on her little one(s). The friend you used to know is gone, and may never return.
As parents delve into the irreversible world of parenthood they become sucked into the pseudo-pronatalist, micro-parenting all-about-baby world that is all about creating the best little mini-me. It’s about the best and often most expensive strollers, toys, clothes and even about whether you have a full-time live-in nanny or a part-time one. It’s about after-baby yoga and breastfeeding and homemade baby food, and a thousand other small issues with kids that nobody gives a shit about except parents and the rich bastards making money off them. Mombies are the ones who used to post pictures of themselves with their besties or their trip to Cancun with the hubby but now their Profile Picture is of a red-face, crying gremlin (a.k.a a baby) and nothing else. Their Facebook statuses lie: we are sooo happy, I never knew happiness before little Jonah or Mattie. Ummm…really? Because I’m sure you could recount dozens of fun stories you guys had together. What happened?
I’ve concluded in order to put up with the exhaustive, unrewarding lifestyle of motherhood parents have to make it as fashionable and cool as they can (designer spit rags, for example) and get totally immersed into the world of parenting. They only speak to other parents, they only read articles about children or parenting and they only go to child-friendly destinations. No more martini bars or Harry Potter movies or shoe sales at Bergdorf. They have to be obsessed because if they took their attention off their wee one and saw how much fun non-childed people were having or what was going on in the world, they would be sadly depressed. They live vicariously through their children and only gain happiness from the baby. Their social lives, work, relationships and hobbies come last.
We miss our mombie friends and wish they could do something else than talk about Sue’s constipation or Darien’s missing tooth. (YAWN). They forget there is a grown-up world and people are doing grown up things: camping, tennis, dinner dates and traveling to a nearby city without a truckload of parenting supplies attached to them like a nomad tribe. As non-mothers, many of us CF women including me are mourning the death of the former energetic, cool friends we used to know who have evolved into braindead, breastfeeding (or bottle feeding) zombie mothers. R.I.P.
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