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She Ate Monopoly

July 27, 2011

The first day of my decision to be child free and the end of a burst of baby rabies came while babysitting my 2 year old goddaughter for 5 days.

I love KiKi, she is an exceptionally beautiful biracial child with honey curls and hazel eyes with stunning gold flecks. I babysat her monthly while deciding if my lesbian partner and I wanted to have a biracial beauty like KiKi ( we are an interracial couple).

Besides playing Dora the Explorer 500 times on YouTube and attempting to feed her something other than cookies, KiKi was extraordinarily scary and powerful. In order to stop a temper tantrum at Starbucks, I had to get her the special chocolate brownie. Fine.
I was afraid to do anything to upset the kid because her screams were murderous. She wasn’t angry. She just couldn’t get the concept of “no”. Getting her out of her princess Nightgown Into a summer dress took the strength of my mother, aunt and me–three able-bodied people holding down a writhinG, Howling baby Exorcist.
I slept with one eye opened while KiKi drew with crayons (on the wall at times) or watched tv. Any other activity and she would shriek.
Then came the poop in the tuMy sweet handful of a goddaugtherb. I was traumatized.

On the fourth night, I made the horrible mistake of inviting two friends over for monopoly. I thought KiKi would busy herself with the mountain of junk I bought her at the toy store: dolls, bubbles, etc.
She would not let us play. I think a chocolate-covered hand was on the board every five seconds. I went to the washroom and my partner reported “she ate some monopoly houses”

I looked at her and wondered if she was Human. It was midnight and I made coffee, got out my earphones and prepared to brace myself for her never-ending screams and cries and her twisted red face and runny boogers.

This night was especially bad and the first time my partner and friends witnessed what I’ve been through for a week. I began to cry myself and was ready to jump out of the window. I seriously contemplated it.
The next day I handed back a clean, angelically sleeping KiKi to her smiling parents and dragged my feet home.

Yea, kids are cute
But I’ll pass.


From → My CF Life

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