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7 Reasons I Hate Being a Mom by: Momtrosity on momlogic.com

September 12, 2011

Some women just looooove being a mommy. I’m not one of them.

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Momlogic’s Momstrosity:
I can’t sugar-coat my views on this whole endless motherhood gig  For me, it’s been difficult transitioning from a self-centered, self-absorbed woman to a self-centered, self-absorbed woman … with a kid. I take it day by day.

And with the above admission, I have to include the usual caveat so you, dear reader, don’t feel inclined to rat me out to Child Protective Services. Hear this: I love my daughter more than life itself — if, for example, you tried to harm but a hair on her tiny little head, I would personally tear your heart out with a Dora the Explorer fork. See? I’m a good mommy.

The truth is, I love being a mom but hate being a “mommy.” Here’s why:

1) MOMMY MALADIES

What’s up with the “mommy brain,” momnesia, and mom guilt? Why does being a mom mean we suddenly get a whole list of crutches to explain away our obvious flaws? Coupled with what we get away with when our “Aunt Flo” comes to visit, it’s a wonder men, or anyone, can stand being around us at all.

2) MOMMY BLOGGING
Thousands of women make a living blogging about their daily family lives ad nauseum. (FYI, a woman whose name sounds suspiciously like “douche” makes a comfy living.) The competition is intense. You’ve gotta have a hook. If my daughter suddenly sprouted male genitalia, I’d be on easy street.

3) MOMMY MARKETING
To make a buck, the new fad among marketers is attaching the “M” word to just about anything. Take “mom jewelry.” Similar to notches on a belt, it screams “Hey, world!! I had sex once and here’s the proof!!!”  Then there’s the “mom jeans” and even full-body plastic surgery now dubbed the “mom job.” Hey, I’m not immune to the trend. When “Mommy Be Gone” brand birth-control pills hit the stores, I’m buying. In bulk.

4) MOMMY AND ME CLASSES
First of all, can’t we at least be grammatically correct? No one who attends these little mommy get-togethers should homeschool their kids. Period. I believe the proper grammar is “Mommy and I.”  But I’m not here to split hairs … because what they should really be called is  “Scared Sh*tless Women Who Just Had Babies and Are Going Out of Their Flippin’ Minds from Boredom Class.” What? Too long?

5) PEOPLE WHO CALL ME “MOMMY” WHO AREN’T MY DAUGHTER
When someone asks me if I like being a “Mommy,” usually in an annoying sing-songy voice, I feel that queasiness only a real “Mommy” can know. At that moment, I long for some residual morning sickness so I can throw up on their shoes … but in a nice way, of course.

6) MOMMY TOPICS
When I find myself talking to other moms and the subject turns to (what else?!) our kids — I somehow get stuck taking part in scintillating conversations about the intricacies of toddler nap schedules. It’s enough to make me nod off into my salad.

7) MOMMIES AREN’T COOL
Yeah, I know we’d all like to believe we “still got it” and delude ourselves with catch phrases like MILF and “hot mama,” but the sad truth is being a mommy is about as sexy as being a cafeteria lady — engaging in the endless drudgery of feeding our ungrateful kids … wearing a hairnet.

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One Comment
  1. bootsy permalink

    ha! basically anything with the word ‘mommy’ in it.
    and how about hanging out with all the other mommies at the soccer games or while you’re picking them up from school? and taking them to gymnastics? and having to dress in ‘mommy chic’ (hint to all you mommies out there – if you can jog in it, it’s not chic). the list goes on and on and on and on…

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