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Types of Mothers

September 12, 2011

You think when you’re pregnant you become a mother? Well no, you become a type of mother. Whether the neglectful mom or the soccer mom……your crazy antics put you in a category!

Mother Nature  – don’t cross with this one. Known for natural births, organic and vegan dieting and exclusively breastfeeding child(ren) until age 2, Mother Nature lives in an ecofriendly bubble in a liberal town and believes letting her offspring be one with nature is important (usually takes her kids on expeditions to natural sites and forests). Educated and whimsical, Mother Nature gives her kids hippie names like Harper or Willow and followed by a middle name of a plant or tree. A perfectionist who will be mortally disappointed when her daughter Sundance grows up to list bacon as her favourite food.

Hopeless Homie – The top candidate for foster children, the offspring of Hopeless Homie moms might be borB addicted to marijuana, alcohol or substances that come in liquids and powders. Often high school and college dropouts, with a strong penchant for rap and current music; these usually younger moms are known for having children by different daddies and don’t usually have strong motivation for joining the job force. Sons aspire to the be next 50 Cent and usually have names with hard pronunciations that are your typical steErotypes (read: Janaynay and Shaquantiae.) *I do actually know a girl who named her daughter Janaynay.

Psycho Suburban – These are the hoards of women who update their Facebook statuses gushing about their angelic children and posting hundreds of similar-looking photographs. They drive nice cars (but not too flashy) and have 9-5 jobs. They’re university educated, married and white. They post happy pictures worthy of a Johnson & Johnson commercial but have hidden secrets lurking: alcoholism, abuse, lots of debt, infidelity, no sex, constant arguing of spouse, familial issues and depression. These women appear to have the perfect lives, but are one second from crumbling and shooting their husbands (or bosses). Kids usually bore  names like : Molly and Andrew.

BCF (Birth Control Fail) – The moms who didn’t plan to get knocked up , and kept the kids fall here. Returning to life before baby by partying and dating different men, these unmarried, single moms profess undying love for their offspring but prefer to hang at the mall with their friends. Fashionable, sexy and cool these moms would probably be childless if they could turn back time. Kids have quickly thought of and trendy names like : Skyler and Aiden. Rarely any photos posted on Facebook.

Trophy Mom  don’t think you want to be in her position because of her Miu Miu purse and the Range Rover. Trophy Moms love their kids like celebs love publicity stunts. Usually dressed in Bonpoint and wheeled around by nannies in Stokke prams, these lucky offsprings are off to a life of privilege and private schools, vacations and more. These moms live in the best neighbourhoods, eat at the best restaurants, have the best plastic surgery and hairdressers and barely raise a finger when it comes to raising their kids. Kids usually have names like : Montgomery and Genevieve. They will grow up to secretly hate their parents, use them for their riches and snort a lot of coke.

  1. HighGoon permalink

    Most of the “moms” I’ve been surrounded by are a mix of Hopeless Homie and the BCF.

    It’s depressing as all hell.

  2. Yeah permalink

    I was going to ask why you don’t have the good mom (caring, cool, funny, just the right amount of involved, etc.) but then I realised that they are so rare there’d be no point in giving them their own exception. Almost all the moms around here are Trophy Mom, BCF, or Psycho Suburban….getting out of here the second I turn 18!

    Also, you may be missing:

    Secret Bipolar
    Let’s Be Friends!

    • I will add those ones! Thanks for the idea! 😀

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