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Reason #5: Conversion to MOOdom

October 4, 2011

Moo — Usually stands for “Mother Obsessed with Offspring” or “Mother Oblivious to Offspring” although sometimes it just means a breeder woman.- happilychildfree.com

 

When I grew up as a kid, there was Felix the Cat and The Roadrunner Show (ooh ooh, and let’s not forget Woody the Woodpecker, Sailor Moon and Charlie Brown & The Gang!) Nowadays there’s Miley Cyrus and True Twilight Blood Vampire–some sort of entitled vampire movie / tv show creed. My mom had no problem leaving me home for a couple of hours. If anything, I had a Bible and a baseball bat to fend for myself. Currently, mothers would rather jump off a balcony than leave their precious offspring alone at home, or do something equally hazardous like let them play outside.

I don’t want to be a stupid moo who boycotts a store for banning large strollers, or the oblivious mother who’s cooing LOUDLY to her child on a busfull of tired, drained 9-5ers commuting home. Look lady, we already gave you and your kid a seat so now shut the fuck up.

Parenthood could’ve been doable before all the things like couture children’s clothing lines, homemade baby food, organic goddamn everything, and the mompetitions at school/extra-curricular activities. I don’t need to be a mom to know it exists. “SOCCER MOM” plastered on the SUV says it all. I would like to reserve my Facebook for actually putting together social events and connecting with my best friend, who moved to Germany. I may just start typing “Awww, little Janie’s FINALLY taken a nap” like three moo’s did today.  Micro-Tweeting about Janie’s boogers and naps is so not cool. Seriously, this is a VALID reason not to have kids.

Moodom is very, very frightening on an epic scale. It’s one thign losing my identity, or being too sleep-deprived to even remember the times of yore at all. It’s another to lose my identity and have 30 albums of one kid. And 30 strollers. I don’t want to be the bitch in the restaurant with all the mommy brigade ordering the bartender to have orange juice on tap, and window seats while we’re at it.

  Moodom will be the condition I’ll designate the freak decision to give up our zippy, compact Mazda for a sprawling breedermobile. And the bumper stickers. “Baby on Board” is the beginning step to becoming a moo, and the first way to differentiate yourself as a moo and as a normal, non-paranoid being. From there, it’s just downhill. I’ve seen it in slow-mo. I’m sure having a child feels like being on cloud 9 but I don’t want to be wrapped up in an oblivious cloud floating around.

 

 

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3 Comments
  1. lanya permalink

    LOL preeach it gurl

  2. Liz permalink

    Ha ha – I have unfriended numerous MOOs who post incessantly about the boring minutiae of their lives as mothers.

  3. DLadyEarlyGrey permalink

    I think parenting takes over their brains to some extent. It’s kind of frightening.

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