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Celebrity Conspiracy

October 13, 2011

My rantings about the vomit-inducing celebrity baby doom boom have already been recorded on this blog but without my 20/20 vision observations with websites like People.com and Imnotobsessed.com–I could not come to further understand this debacle.

I do grasp the fact that people go to the CBB (Celebrity Baby Blog, off People.com) to look at cute celeb monsters. I can appreciate the fact we all want to see what a mix of cherub-lipped Jolie and flaxen-haired Pitt will cook up (the twins look a bit wonky, if you ask me!) But some things just don’t add up on CBB. For instance:

In Exhibit A you will see that Alison Sweeney is at the paparazzi-ridden Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch where ALL the celeb parents make their annual Mecca each October to be seen with their all-happy family. Last year, Christina Aguileira (yes, the orange fake baked washed up singer with the amazing vocals) was seen going down a slide at Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch COINCIDENTALLY while being snapped and having the photo run in several tabloid publications.

Furthermore, celebrities are seen in bile tear-inducing photographs with their arms around their children and wives at very public, very known places where they know their photograph will be published for the world to see. Places like the Canon Theatre, Coldwater Canyon Park or at the screening of a popular children’s movie like Mars Needs Moms (certainly Earth doesn’t).

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

In Exhibit B you will notice the fashionable and lovely Nicole Richie holding her beloved daughter, Harlow and walking down the street with a pleasant smile on her face. Most of the pictures on CBB look like this, unless of course, they are at Mr. Bones. What is wrong with this picture? Well, knowing there is a cameraman in your face flashing off his Nikon equipment…you are going to smile. Why would you want the world to know you’re unhappy with this undeniably blissful parenting job you have? No matter who it is: Isla Fisher or Jennifer Garner, they are positively beaming when the cameras are flashing and they’re with their children.

When the cameras are gone, we have no idea what happens. We don’t know if Garner is annoyed that her toddler won’t shut the heck up; and we have no clue if Fisher resents her lackluster hair that was once fiery red. We don’t know if they are pissed off because baby just vomited on their favourite Rag & Bone t-shirt and now they had to change…for the third time. We dunno because they cover it up. After all, the pictures are going to be all over Life&Style and OK!

It’s indubitable that the life of celebrity parenthood is more obscure than we could ever know. We are presented with a glossy face of celebrity pro-natalism, but there is no way to know  (unless your area code is 90210…because I know mine isn’t!)  how truly “amazing” and “empowering” it is for them. (On a side note: I would really like to believe Beyonce is brainwashed. Is she REALLY starting a maternity line? Girl, get over yourself. You’re influential, but you’re no Oprah. )

The truth is…we don’t know the truth. So next time you see an aggressively gregarious celeb mom toting her little darling princess with her mega-watt smile going off, take it with a grain of salt.

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