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25 Best Mom Confessions of 2011

December 28, 2011

It’s been almost a year since I started the Confessional on Scary Mommy. I’ve laughed, I’ve gagged, I’ve teared up and I’ve dropped my jaw. With the year drawing to a close, I thought I would share the most popular confessions — those with the most “likes” and “OMG me too’s.” Can you relate to any? Got anything to get off your chest before stepping into 2012?

1. Everyone thinks I’m such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn’t me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.
2. When I get grouchy, I send myself to my room. Kids bang on the door and I tell them I can’t come out and they can’t come in until the timer goes off because I’m in time out. For extra punishment, I make myself eat candy.
3. One of my favorite moments of the day is taking off my bra when I get home.
4. I cheat at board games to make them end faster.
5. DH wouldn’t climb up in the attic to get my Halloween decorations down so I did it. After I got them down, I carefully laid myself out on the floor and screamed in pain. Now he is doing whatever I want.
6. I hang around in sweats all day. Then 10 mins before DH gets home from work, I put on some sexy pair of jeans and a cute top. Some might think this is laziness — I think its genius.
7. To my beloved arrogant teenage sons: payback comes tonight for all the gross or frustrating things you do. Your preteen sister is having 15 friends over … and I’m not forewarning you. Love, Mommy
8. If they ever make it possible to prove whose Facebook pages you’ve been cruising, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do.
9. I stuck a hundred dollar bill in my neighbors mailbox yesterday because she just lost her job and I know she was already broke. DH would kill me if he found out, we can’t really afford it.
10. I have been forced to conclude that the reason kids have so much energy is because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves.
11. We had a new mattress and boxspring delivered and when they delivery guys picked up the existing mattress to remove it, my “Blue Thunder” vibrator was under the mattress.
12. When I send thank you notes to people I don’t like, I dump an ass-load of glitter or confetti in the envelope just to passively aggressively piss them off.
13. My DH just tweeted how awesome it’s going to be to come home to a home-cooked meal today. I wonder where he’s going, and if he’ll bring me back a plate
14. My number one reason for not wanting to have a third baby is that I pee my pants pretty much every day since my second was born two years ago. At this rate my kids will soon be more potty-trained than I am.
15. Had to go on a special diet for gestational diabetes. Husband decided to do it with me, which was nice. In three weeks, I’ve gained 4 pounds and he’s lost 15. This is why we hate men.
16. I am drafting a document so pointless and boring (that I know no one is every going to read) that I am tempted to insert dirty words at random just to see if anyone notices. Too bad that would get me fired. Penis.
17. I do the income taxes every year, and I lie to my husband about how much we get back. I keep over half for myself (sometimes more).
18. I’m sick and tired of sanctimonious cloth diaper-users. You’re really going to think you’re better than me because of where your kid happens to shit? Shit’s shit, honey, no matter where it lands.
19. I pretend I’m Julia Child when I cook and vocalize everything I’m doing in a silly accent. Shut up, it’s fun.
20. Sometimes if I find myself alone with one person in an elevator I like to smile at them very happily until they notice and then say, “I’ve got new socks.”
21. I have a designated plucker. If I’m ever in a coma my plucker promises to pluck my chin, eyebrow and mustache hair when she visits me in the hospital. I will for her if she is in a coma. Important stuff!
22. I misdialed a 800# at work and accidentally called a sex hotline. On speakerphone. In a conference room full of people. Awesome.
23. Sometimes I can’t be bothered to speak to people, so I pretend to have not seen them.
24. I dyed my hair it’s original color. I then ran around town telling ppl I was happy that the carpet matched the drapes. I thought the carpet meant eyebrows.
25. DS flushed his fishy down the potty today, he cried & asked to call heaven so he knows fishy made it. Called my dad and he acted like God. Made DS feel sooo much better.
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