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Mandy’s 100 TOP Reasons Not To Have Kids

January 3, 2012

The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (and Remain Childfree)

1. You will be happier and less likely to suffer from depression.
2. (Assuming you get married), you will have a happier marriage.
3. You will have the capacity and time for meaningful, engaged, quality adult relationships.
4. You will be able to save for a comfortable retirement.
5. You are more likely to be an engaged and involved aunt or uncle because you are not jaded and worn down by your own kids.
6. You can fully pursue and develop your career.
7. You can fully pursue your educational goals.
8. You can decorate your home as you wish with as many beautiful and/or breakable things as you wish and you will not have to child-proof your house.
9. Your house will be free of junky, plastic kindercrap.
10. Your spouse will get all the love and attention he/she deserves. You will come first in your spouse/partner’s life.
11. Your pets will get all the love and attention they deserve.
12. You can eat whatever foods you wish at whatever time of the day you wish out in the open, whether it be a gourmet, exotic meal, or chocolate chip cookies.
13. You never have to yell, scold, correct or punish anyone (assuming your spouse and pets are well-behaved 😉
14. Your home will be a quiet and welcoming oasis, instead of a chaotic zoo.
15. Your identity will remain firmly intact.
16. You will enjoy personal privacy.
17. You will get a full night’s sleep every night.
18. You will have the time and energy to exercise regularly and take care of your health and appearance.
19. You will stay informed and engaged in current events and will remain an interesting conversationalist.
20. You will retain your attention span.
21. You will minimize your carbon footprint and do far less damage to the environment than your childed peers.
22. You can be yourself (for better or worse) without worrying about having to be a good example.
23. You can live in whatever town or city you like without concerning yourself with quality of school districts, child-friendliness, etc.
24. You will be able to travel more frequently and your travels will not be limited to summer or school break times, or to kid-friendly destinations.
25. Speaking of vacations, you will be able to use your paid time off for vacations, instead of burning your days to take care of sick kids.

26. You can spend an entire weekend vegging on the couch in your pajamas if you choose.
27. You will maintain the capacity to be spontaneous – to do things spur of the moment, without complex planning or babysitter arrangements.
28. You can curse, swear, debate and vent freely in your home without worrying about censoring yourself.
29. You will never have to suffer the agony of childbirth.
30. You will be better able to retain your youthfulness and sex appeal because your body will not be ravaged by childbearing and a crappy diet.
31. You can eat your meals in peace without having to continually jump up and down to serve people.
32. You can own whatever type of car you prefer – you are not limited to mini-vans, SUVs and other family-friendly gas-guzzlers.
33. You can live in whatever type of home you like. Spiral staircases, wooden stairs, sharp-edged countertops, a small backyard, busy street are not necessarily deal-breakers.
34. You can buy a much more affordable home because you won’t need many bedrooms and you won’t have to limit yourself to more expensive, uppercrusty-good-school-district-towns.
35. Your grocery bill will be at least half of that of a family with children.
36. Your utility bills will be much lower than a family with children.
37. Your gasoline expenses will be much lower than a family with children (fewer shopping trips and errands, no chauffeuring).
38. You will spend your weekend doing things you enjoy, instead of attending boring children’s soccer games and birthday parties, or playing chauffeur.
39. You will have the energy and interest to maintain an active, attentive and enjoyable sex life.
40. You will have the freedom to come and go at will – you will remain independent, self-determined and autonomous.
41. You will have plenty of down time if you desire – naps, reading, meditating, lounging, listening to music.
42. Your life will have a manageable and comfortable pace. You will not be harried and stressed out, running around like a headless chicken trying to do it all.
43. You will age more slowly and will have fewer wrinkles than your child-encumbered peers.
44. Every night can be “date night” if you want it to be.
45. Your life will be one of far fewer worries, compared to your childed peers.
46. You will have the time and energy to actively contribute to the community – volunteer work, civic involvement, etc.
47. You can watch whatever you like on television at any time without censoring and you can watch complete shows or movies without constant interruptions.
48. You will spend far less time and effort on housework than families with children (the time and effort you will save on laundry alone is substantial).
49. You will have the time, energy and money to pursue whatever hobbies and interests you like.
50. You will not be contributing to the world’s overpopulation crisis.
51. You will not add to the drain on environmental resources.
52. You will never go through morning sickness or post-partum depression.
53. You will never have to endure the loss of a child.
54. You will never have to endure the strain and upset of raising a diseased or disabled child.
55. You will never have to deal with raising a troubled child (drugs, pregnancy, STDs, delinquency, truancy, crime) and will never be saddled with raising grandchildren because your teen child gets pregnant (or gets someone pregnant).
56. You will have spending money and can actually spend it on yourself if you choose.
57. The physical intimacy you share with your partner/spouse will remain romantic and will never have to be planned, scheduled, forced or manipulated like a science experiment for the sake of getting pregnant.
58. You will never suffer from burnout from trying to obtain the “have-it-all” lifestyle.
59. Your life will continue to be flexible. You can change your mind and your plans at a moment’s notice.
60. You will not have to change diapers, wipe snotty noses or all of the many other stomach-turning things a parent must do.
61. You will not have to endure crying, screaming, fighting, temper tantrums and other surly child behavior.
62. You will never have to fight with a child over homework or worse yet, have to sit and do homework with a child.
63. You will never have to attend PTA meetings, parent-teacher conferences or other school-related drudgery.
64. You will not have to save thousands upon thousands of dollars for a child’s college education (or more importantly stress and worry about where the money will come from).
65. You never have to set foot in a Chuck E. Cheese.
66. You will never have endure endless hours of noisy, electronic toys shrieking through your house.
67. You can enjoy alone time when you need it.
68. You will be more easily able to escape a bad marriage (if you should need to) than if you had kids, without having to maintain ties with your ex.
69. You will not have to live the life of a hand-servant.
70. Assuming you get married, your marriage will be more egalitarian than it would be if you had children. You will not have to adhere to traditional gender roles.
71. You will never have to pay child support.
72. You and your spouse/partner can be intimate freely in your home without having to lock doors, muffle sounds or otherwise try to hide what you are doing.
73. You will never have to endure the sound of crappy teen pop music blaring through the house.
74. Holidays like Christmas can be affordable, manageable and relaxed if you choose.
75. You will never be disappointed on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day (unless you have unreasonable expectations of your pets).
76. You will never have to go on a “play date” and be stuck sitting with boring yuppy moms and dads you can’t stand just so your kids can play with each other.
77. You can beautify your property with gardens, waterfalls, trees and other natural features instead of stripping it bare for a play area, or junking it up with swing sets, sporting equipment and toys.
78. Packing for vacations and day trips will remain a breeze.
79. Your vacations will actually be relaxing and you will come home rested and refreshed, instead of wiped out and in need of a second vacation.
80. If you have medical insurance and your employer requires you to contribute, your premiums will be much lower than they would if you had kids.
81. You will never have to be embarrassed by a child who is a bad representation of you.
82. You will never have to sit through sappy and annoying kiddie movies or t.v. shows.
83. You can have kid-time if you desire it by taking your nieces, nephews or friends’ children for an afternoon. And then when you’ve had enough, you can give them back and go back to your peaceful life.
84. You will never have to worry about whether you are a bad parent or the long-term psychological damage you are inflicting on a child.
85. Going out for an errand will entail hopping into your car, buckling your seatbelt and leaving instead of a full half hour production to get the kids dressed, fed, ready and situated in the car.
86. You will never have to pack and lug around huge bags of stuff every time you leave the house.
87. On long drives, you can listen to whatever music, radio programs or books on tape you enjoy – instead of grating kiddie music.
88. Your pets can roam freely in your house with no fear of being sat on, squeezed, poked, or having their ears, hair or tails pulled.
89. New Years Eve will continue to be a rockin’ late night blow-out affair for you.
90. Your mornings will be quiet and relaxed, instead of a chaotic, beat-the-clock marathon having multiple people to corral, bathe, feed, dress and get out the door on time.
91. You will not have to pay thousands of dollars a year on child care, or burden your family members by using them as babysitters. You will never have to hire a babysitter.
92. Being aggravated, frustrated and irate at home will be a rare occurrence, as opposed to a daily occurrence if you had kids.
93. Your neighbors will appreciate living next door to you.
94. Your boss will appreciate having a reliable employee who works her full hours, calls out sick only rarely, can work overtime if needed, and take on special projects. You might even get a raise, or get promoted.
95. Your friends will appreciate your broad interests, your attentive listening and conversational skills, and the fact that you won’t bore them to death talking endlessly about babies and childrearing.
96. You will rarely get sick.
97. You won’t be last on your list of people to take care of.

98. You will never have to feel torn between your career and your family – feeling like you are spread too thin and not doing a great job at either.

99. You will set your own agenda.
and…last but not least:
100. You will live a life of pride, knowing that you are courageous trailblazer!
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