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January 6, 2012



What happened to us? We used to have sex three times a day. Then once a day. Then once a week. Then Michael came along. Then I became your best friend. -Julianne Moore in Chloe

Who Father: Hey, Honey! Our baby’s here.
[looks closely at the baby]
Who Father: He looks just like your boss. -The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

Esther: Please… don’t let me die, Mommy.

Kate: I’m not your fucking mommy! -The Orphanw

Mitch: We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.

 Dave :What? I don’t even know what these are.

Mitch: You’re married. You’re married, Dave. -The Change-Up

Sofia:  [Abby March makes comment about how Sofia isn’t a happy person and Abby thinks it’s bad for baby Oliver] You know what I think? You’re an idiot. And your son Petey… is a dipshit.- The Ex (2006)

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.


I never met a kid I liked.
W.C Fields


“Kids like me but when they meet me they’re horrified by me… These guys bring their kids (to screenings) and I kind of resent them. To me it’s kind of a sacrilegious thing and the kid would cry.  It was horrible… Now that the movie’s out and I don’t have to promote it anymore, I can say that I hate children. It’s out, it’s made $60 million.  I can say it: I hate kids. If no kid ever came up to me, I would be more than happy.” – Seth Rogan


“I’m pregnant…”

“Fuck off.”



“I’m pregnant.”

“With emotion?”

“With a baby, you’re the father.”

“You know what I think you should do? Take care of it…”
“Tell me you don’t want him to get an ‘A’ word… ?”

“Yes, I do and I won’t say it for little baby ears over there, but it rhymes with ‘shush-mortion’.”

– Knocked Up


Debbie: He’s playing fetch… with my kids… he’s treating my kids like they’re dogs. -Knocked Up




Jay: I’m going to be there to rear your child.
Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don’t let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!
-Knocked Up



Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.  ~Fran Lebowitz



In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz



Boy, n.:  a noise with dirt on it.  ~Not Your Average Dictionary



Youth is a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.  ~George Bernard Shaw



In America there are two classes of travel – first class, and with children.  ~Robert Benchley



What is a home without children?  Quiet.  ~Henny Youngman



Do your kids a favor – don’t have any.  ~Robert Orben



Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.  ~Phyllis Diller


If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.  ~Edgar W. How



Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they’ll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it:  little men already.  ~Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688

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