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Two Wombs, One Relationship.

May 1, 2012

As I look across the living room to my soon to be 28 year old partner, with her pretty awesome Mohawk–I have a worrisome look on. Her eyes are glued on the flat-screen TV as she plays Naruto on PS3, her leg propped up on the ottoman; and she is clearly happy. But the words she spoke yesterday are still ringing in my ears, “We should settle down.” I replied, “We are settled. We have our apartment and our dogs.”  But she stunned me with, “No, I mean settle down like buy a house and…have kids.”

The awkward silence that ensued made me realize that I forgot to acknowledge both my fiancee and I are women and have wombs, and that even though I don’t have any maternal “clock” ticking–she may. In the short time that followed, I snatched up tickets to Odysseo and bought her a PS3 in the vain hopes to keep her distracted and occupied and hopefully, content without kids. But a part of me knows there is nothing I can do if she wants them. She has her own body and she is in control of it, the way I am in control of mine.

That is the tricky thing about lesbian relationships. In the based-on-reality movie The Baby Formula where a Toronto native lesbian couple uses their own DNA to impregnate one half of the couple, the other woman gets jealous of her spouse being with child and also impregnates herself with their DNA 7 months later. They now have a baby girl and baby boy born 7 months apart or something like that. Even though there is a lot of technology available for lesbians to have kids, I still don’t want one and I realize I cannot easily make that decision for my partner.

It is worrisome because I love her deeply, but I also love our lives the way it is. We both work hard, have amazing friends and a zest for life. As if being a lesbian couple hasn’t thrown us enough loops like coming out to family and co-workers, and dealing with homophobia and defining ourselves within society’s hetero-normative ideals; we are now faced with the dilemma of two women who feel differently about procreation. Even if I had my tubes tied, I couldn’t force her to do the same. And if she loved me too, she would respect my wishes to not be a mother. But then she’d be unhappy. So how does it all work?

I don’t know, honestly. Perhaps persuading her to stay child-free with theater tickets and promising a hot tropical vacation is the wrong route to take. I should sit her down, and let her know how I really feel about the whole situation–honestly and whole-heartedly. I can also explain the reasoning behind my decision (or just direct her to my blog, which has a year’s worth of why I don’t wanna be a mommy). I thought being child-free would be an easy thing–choose not to have kids and then live my life. But it’s not that easy because there is two wombs in this relationship. If all else fails, maybe we can flip a coin. 😉




From → My CF Life

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